I know I haven't posted in a long time and I owe you all a million pictures of sweet smiling babies....but it's time for a little writing...
We are in the midst of our church's (very large) Christmas program right now. It is awesome: the 10th anniversary and in honor of Phil, a wonderful story and spectacular music and dancing. People of all ages are involved, including students and children from our children's choir. As they sweetly sang and smiled during opening night yesterday, my heart was just broken and my stomach twisted in knots; unable to wrap my head around the tragedy in a Connecticut school that morning. Though I know that these innocent babies are held in their Heavenly Father's arms, I just can't stop crying as I think about the moms and dads that did not get to pick their children up from school. And to be totally honest, it is so easy to let those fears creep their way into your mind and heart - "How will I ever send my own babies off to school? How will I ever let them leave the house? What if I am too strict, not strict enough, don't show them enough love, don't see them again?" It's all I can do to give those up to God and put all my faith in Him and His plan for me, for my husband, for our children and our family.
In learning of a tragedy like this one, your world stops for a little bit. It's not "all about me" - a very harsh reminder of that. The day to day creeps back in when your life remains much the same, but not for those directly involved. Thankfully, there are always reminders, and we should not and will not forget these children...if we forget, how can we make a change for better?
I think that, as a mom of young children, its easy to say at the end of the day, "Was it worth it? Did I live today like it was my last? Did I give it my best?" when sometimes it seems like all you can do is barely hang on by a thread! I struggle between wanting to always be "on the go" and wanting to adhere to a "schedule" that allows my children the "perfect" amount of rest time and play time and time leftover to change a million diapers and feed hungry little bird mouths a billion times a day!
Its weeks like this week, especially at bedtime, that I am reminded to pray for single moms & dads and those that have a spouse that is deployed or travels for work often. When Jonathan is gone every evening for a week or two (like with Christmas program)...I always feel like I am barely making it through and failing miserably on my own. There are certainly fun times and lots of giggles and some successes, but those are easily diminished when the "tough stuff" (yeah, not sweating the small stuff? I'm still working on that) comes along.
We are doing 5 performances for our Christmas program this year. Jonathan and I decided that I would do just three, so that our babies wouldn't be pushed beyond their limits for multiple days in a row (oh yeah, dress rehearsals and such, too!). Last night was a mess. They did wonderfully while in childcare, but when we got home, Annalee still had to have a breathing treatment (she was sick and wheezing last week) and get bathed and nursed and into bed, and Connor needed to get cleaned up (and a story, etc. etc.), It was 11 by the time everyone was settled, and lots of tears were had. Today, I sang during the afternoon performance and we were able to have a meal with Jonathan and headed home around 6. Of course, Annalee had not had normal nap time and fell asleep in the car, so I decided to keep driving through the neighborhood a while since Connor was enjoying the Christmas lights. Of course, when we pulled into the garage, Annalee immediately woke up and I had that mind boggling,"What should I do FIRST?!" moment.
I got them both into the house and fed (Annalee hadn't really eaten yet) and then made the move to go upstairs...generally can be a challenge with both of them. It was a particularly rough one, since Connor was adamant about staying down. When all three of us made it to the top, I put Connor in his room (crying) and put Annalee in her chair (crying) so I could go back down and make a second trip up with everything I couldn't carry the first time (pacis, medicine....). I got them both undressed and the bath started and gave Annalee her medicine while Connor danced around his room and knocked things over. We have a gate across his door so that he can play in there when I have to do something (like give Annalee a bath) and not worry about him getting into too much trouble. He was good while she had her bath but she was totally exhausted and not happy that I was trying to get her dried and dressed, and then Connor informed me that he had a poopy diaper. I moved Annalee and her diaper and pjs to Connor's room and got a dry diaper on her and then changed Connor's extremely stinky one. I hung up towels, got Connor's teeth brushed, hands and face washed, and pj's on. I told him that I was going to nurse Annalee in her room and that I would be back soon to read him a story. I assumed he was very tired when he was fairly quiet. Then a few things happened in my head at once:
- Annalee's legs felt cold and as I rubbed them I thought, "Oh, I forgot to put on lotion."
- "Its maybe a little
too quiet in Connor's room."
-"AGHHH! The giant bottle of lotion is still on Connor's floor!"
I basically jumped out of the chair (poor Annalee, mid-nursing) and ran into Connor's room to find him sitting on the floor with about half a cup of lotion piled in his hand, lotion all over his pjs, and lotion in 3 places on the carpet. "Don't move! Don't move!" I said to him, which of course, made him jump up and try to rub the lotion in (where?! He didn't have enough skin on his body to absorb all that!). I set Annalee down, blotted up what I could, changed Con's pjs, put him in his bed with some books, and went to finish nursing Annalee and get her to bed. I went back to Connor's room, read him books, prayed with him, and told him I would be back again...went downstairs, googled how to get lotion out of carpet, got some cleaning things together, worked at the carpet, (while he told me "Tired, Mommy") and finally gave him a kiss and turned out the lights.
I wrote this down to have a little snapshot of life in this moment...because I know it won't last forever. Especially at times like these, where my mind and prayers are consistently on the babies and families involved in tragedy, I just want these moments to stay right where they are. No matter how tired, no matter how much I long for Jonathan to be home (all the time!), no matter how many times I
think I'd like the kids to be a little more self-sufficient...I would never trade these moments for anything in the world. It is super easy to complain or be short with my family when I am worn out during some of these days...but I look at these "trials" and realize that I have NOTHING to complain about.
Lord, help me to count my many blessings every day. Comfort the hurting families in CT right now. May the reason that I write these words down in this very moment be that I can look back on them, remember, press on, and be thankful. Amen.
